Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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