Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
