Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
smell my finger.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
