God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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