So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just found puke in my bra..
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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