I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
