now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
