Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
