Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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