I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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