Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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