I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You ate ashes out of my bong
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
