Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
MIDGETS
????
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
