i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
