Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
