You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She's the barista slut.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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