Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
