It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
