do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We had to coat check the pizza.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
The adults are the big ones right?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
