she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
whose ass print is on the piano?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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