Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
