ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
