So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
How does it feel to date your dad?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
