you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
