my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She needs sedatives and a leash
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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