well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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