My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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