when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
