I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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