You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
