if only i could text you this smell
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
