I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
