halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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