You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
