is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
