Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
