my phone cant type all the emotion im having
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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