so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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