I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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