Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
