I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
A+ Viking dick
Can't talk, ducks in the car
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
