i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
