Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You are a genius and a whore.
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