Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
In other news, I just burned my penis
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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