She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
