There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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