Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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