I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I need to sanitize my soul.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
