this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
