i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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